ˈpāSHəns/

I guess I couldn't go a full year without posting...  so here I am.  This post is going to be purposefully vague, but I feel like I want to write it somewhere... just to get it out there.  Gotta get some things off my mind, I guess.

This post is going to be about patience.  Life has provided me with numerous opportunities to practice patience.  I've thought about it a lot over the years.  Usually I think about it when I see someone else demonstrating extreme impatience, and it makes me start reflecting about myself.  "Just how patient AM I?  Really?"

I've always considered myself a patient person... but I feel patience can be manifest in many different ways.  Maybe I should start by sounding all official and giving the definition of it.  I'm gonna give Google's definition, but I'm also going to add in the examples that Merriam-Webster gives for the word.  First, The Google definition (I'm also apparently bad at writing blog posts because the formatting is all weird, but..  just deal with it):

pa·tience

ˈpāSHəns/

noun

1. 1.

   the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.

Okay, so that's pretty straight-forward. Plus, we all really know what patience is anyway, right? So following are the examples that Merriam-Webster gave for the word:

1. I don't have the patience to wait in line for hours just to buy a ticket.
2. Investors need to have patience. The economy will improve soon.
3. She treated her students with great patience and humor.
4. I don't have the patience to do crossword puzzles.
5. To be a biographer is a somewhat peculiar endeavor. It seems to me it requires not only the tact, patience, and thoroughness of a scholar but also the stamina of a horse. —Nancy Milford, Vanity Fair, August 2001

Alright. So here we go, to the meat and potatoes of this post. I'm gonna largely ignore the 4th and 5th examples because I don't really have anything to say about them. So here goes.

The first one seems to deal with patience when you have some idea of when the outcome will happen. In the case of standing in line to buy a ticket, you know when you'll need to stop waiting; when the line in front of you ends. Often you can see the progress of the events occurring as well. The line shortens, and once the line in front of you is gone, you receive your reward. I've always felt like this is the kind of patience I have the most of. I can wait around for awhile, especially if I have some rough idea of when I'll get my reward, whether it's the end of a line, a scheduled time, etc. This example of patience really hasn't proven to be difficult to me. For this reason I've always considered myself a patient person.

Don't get lost, now, I'm going to jump to the THIRD example, for good reason. This one seems to deal with the patience when dealing with others. In this example, probably children. This is one I've always struggled with, but I'm not gonna really elaborate a ton on it. I've never been super great with kids. I always want them to do what I tell them to, when I tell them to. Obviously, that doesn't happen.. and I struggle. Maybe it'll be different with my own kids, but for now it's hard for me. Okay, enough about that.

The SECOND example. This one seems to deal with needing patience when you CAN'T see when the outcome will occur. This one is the WORST for me!! Especially if it's something I'm really excited for or anxious about.

This is what I'm going through right now.  Like I said in the beginning of the post, it will be purposefully vague, so I guess you'll just have to come up with your own conclusion as to what it's truly about.  Some of you reading this may already know.  Anyway, something happened.  It could potentially be good, or potentially be bad for me.  I can't yet tell.  But I know which outcome I WANT, and unfortunately all I can do is wait.  And wait.  And wait.  And what's worse, is not only am I hoping for an outcome I want (which may or may not even happen), even if it does, I still can't be sure WHEN it will happen.  It's a double whammy!  I can do some things to take my mind off it for little bits at a time, but that only works for so long... and before long, I'm back to thinking about the issue at hand.  And what's worse, it seems that time is going by SO slowly, which certainly doesn't help!  So I'm stuck in this "agony" of just being forced to wait...  I think about it every day.  Multiple times every day.  I'm happy to say it doesn't really affect my ability to act and do things..  it's not a depression per se..  I'm still as active as ever.  I run errands, I go to work, I'm as social as ever (which is hilariously not that social).

But there's this nagging in the back of my mind.  Always.  Be patient, be patient, be patient.  It's like ripping a giant band-aid off your crotch....  slooooooowwwllllyyyyyyyy...  it has its own pain associated with it.  And it's driving me so crazy!  HOWEVER, I do know for sure, that if the outcome I really want is the one that comes to fruition..  the wait will have truly been worth it.